I feel very battle weary and listless as of late. I just feel that for far too long I've been fighting, the pain of losing my father, the continuous struggle to support my youngest daughter and my mother's dementia. The latest blow is that my mother's home will now have to be lost and it's devastating. The garden was my mother's pride and joy and every summer it would be overflowing with blooms, scents and the sounds of bees. In the rare, warm summer nights we could sit out and watch bats skimming across and catching the insects.
Her care home fees need to be met and so we must sell her home. I'm struggling with the situation and it's all very raw and painful. I haven't even got the comfort of spring, we're locked in a deep freeze in the UK.
There comes a time when you need to pick your battles. I cannot keep fighting a losing one so I need to deal with the sale and concentrate on ensuring my mother is cared for, supporting my daughter and taking care of me.
I desperately need to heal, because I cannot go on with this much tension and anger in me. It's not going to change what has happened. Every time I'm out I look with envy at the elderly couples shopping together and playing with their grandchildren. It's not their fault, shit happens and I need to realise it doesn't only happen to me.
I'm also reflecting this anger too. Last week when I took my mother to a craft centre I found that all the disabled car spaces were full and this would mean that I would struggle to get my mum out the car, she needs the door wide open to get in and out. I found a spare place and when I was opening the passenger door, another driver pulled up alongside to park. Unfortunately this meant I couldn't fully open the door, so I turned around to see the driver. Without me saying a word the driver said, " Sorry I'll just find another space instead!"
This is not a great vibe to be giving off.
I need to change my programming.
I've started by working my way through these inspirational talks on TED
So armed with my journal I'm going to think of 3 things everyday that I'm grateful for, write a short entry each day in my journal, do more exercise, meditate, and do an act of kindness as often as I can. I've been on the receiving end of random kindness and it's very powerful. You need to do this for 21 days and then your brain gets used to looking for the positives first, instead, as in my case, the worst case scenario.
And of course making jewellery does calm me quite a lot.
So I must be the change I want to see.
P.S the BeadSoup reveals will start next week, mine and my partner's Leah will be on 4th April, so save the date.